Broken Smiles
by anthfan
Summary: How Lois deals with the aftermath of Jonathan Kent's death


Lois put the final stamp on the final envelope and stretched her arms above her head, wincing slightly as the muscles protested after being in one position for so long. The mammoth table in the Kent's dining room was covered with various stacks. Thank you cards to be mailed, thank you cards to be hand delivered, newspaper notices, letter of condolence that had just started arriving from around the country and sundry other items she had needed to complete her task. But now, there was nothing left to do. She had been going non-stop since being released from the hospital the morning before. So many things to be done and decisions to be made and she had gladly stepped in to help. If she kept herself busy she wouldn't have to deal with the reality that Jonathan Kent was dead.

She pushed herself forcefully from the table as if she could also push away the memory of that night.

_The not so quiet bustle of Smallville Medical Center was the first thing she heard upon regaining consciousness. Her head was throbbing but a cursory test of all her limbs confirmed that she didn't seem to be seriously injured. In a rush she remembered how she had been trying to reach something in the Talon apartment before losing her balance. 'Nice one Lane. You managed to do this one all by yourself' she scoffed in her head. Glancing at the clock she saw it was in the early morning and it hit her that she had missed the election results. _

_Scrambling for the bedside remote she frantically pounded the buttons. "Come on! I realize this is Reagan era technology we're dealing with but seriously, turn on!" Finally the screen flickered to life and she cursed the hospital for their ridiculous set up of only being able to go up and down the dial. It was late but she was hoping one of the major news outlets would still be showing election results. _

_She almost went past it but stopped just in time. There. The smiling face of Jonathan Kent from his campaign poster. 'Hell yeah, Mr. K!" she shouted, ignoring the massive throb that went through her head. And then the words surrounding the picture began to register. _

'_Breaking News' 'Newly elected Senator dies of apparent heart attack hours after winning election' _

'_No. No. No. Thats not possible.' she muttered, over and over as hot tears began to fall down her face. 'Thats not possible!' she swiped angrily at her face and switched the tv to the next channel where the same report, as it was with each of the 24 hour news channels. The last one she stopped at showed footage from what had to have been the victory party. Balloons and streamers were everywhere and Mr. and Mrs. Kent were beaming as they held their hands up in victory. She could see Clark behind them clapping and grinning his trademark smile. _

'_Oh god!' Lois gasped as she dove from the bed and made it to the bathroom just in time, not noticing as the I.V was pulled from her hand. She rested her sweaty head against the cool porcelain and stared unseeingly at the tile pattern on the floor. _

_She didn't hear the soft knock on her door or the voice of her cousin calling her name at first. "Lois. Lois, I uh..." Chloe's voice trailed off as she caught sight of the tv and the path Lois had made to the bathroom _

"_Lo." Chloe said gently as she pushed damp hair out of her face "Lo, you need to get back in bed." _

_There was a hard pressure on her hand and Lois finally looked up to see her cousin, face blotchy and tear-streaked, pressing a washcloth to the area where she had ripped her I.V out. _

"_How?" she managed to croak out, voice breaking "Why?"_

"_We don't know why, sweetie. He had had trouble with his heart before." Chloe said carefully as she helped Lois to her feet and they made their way back to the hospital bed. _

"_It's just not right. He was a good man." _

"_I know." Chloe agreed and pushed the nurse call button_

"_How are...how are Mrs. K and Clark?" Lois asked,_

"_They're...they're a wreck. No one saw this coming." Chloe felt the tears come again and bit on her lip to keep them at bay. "Clark is taking his mom home soon, thats why I came to check on you. The doctors said you'll be fine, they just want to keep an eye on you a little while longer."_

_Lois shook her head fiercely which made her headache even worse but that didn't matter. "I'm not staying. I need...I need to help." _

_A nurse had slipped in and heard her last statement. "I wouldn't advise that Miss Lane. You took a pretty serious blow to the head and your doctor will be in in the morning to examine you." _

"_I'm fine." she ground out, "I just need some aspirin and a nap and I'll be just fine."_

"_Lo. Please. Just stay the rest of the night, ok. If you leave now Mrs. Kent will just worry about you." Chloe said, hating herself for using Lois's feeling for Clark's mom against her but knowing it would be the only possible way to keep her here._

_Lois opened her mouth to argue but didn't make a sound. Chloe was right, she couldn't put Mrs. K in that kind of position._

"_Fine. I'll stay the rest of the night. But I'm leaving in the morning, doctor or no doctor." _

_The nurse nodded, sensing that arguing with her patient would get her nowhere. She bandaged Lois's hand, told her to call if she needed anything and then backed silently out of the room. _

"_Do you want me to stay?" Chloe asked_

"_No. I'll be fine. You should get some rest." Lois assured her, forcing a fake smile "But promise me you'll be back first thing in the morning to spring me."_

"_Of course I will. You sure you'll be ok?" Chloe asked again_

"_Yes. I promise. Go on, it's late, I'll see you in a bit." _

_Chloe gave her cousin a tight hug and headed home. _

_Lois laid back against the pillows and stared at the muted t.v. that was once again showing the smiling face of Jonathan Kent. Tears coming once again she curled on her side, shut her eyes tight and hoped that when she woke up all of this would end up being a bad dream. _

Lois shook her head swiftly, trying to physically erase her memories. But it hadn't been a bad dream. And she had woken up the next morning and Jonathan Kent was still gone. She had been dressed by the time the doctor arrived to examine her and was out the door thirty minutes later having signed herself out against medical advice. Chloe had protested half-heartedly, knowing that nothing was going to stop her cousin.

And for the next thirty six hours she worked herself ragged.

Stepping into the Kent house for the first time had been rough but she had gotten through it. With quick tight hugs to both Clark and Mrs. Kent she didn't let them see how upset she was, just took over the phone calls and arrangements and started doing what she did best. Lois had always prided herself on rising to any occasion and since she had done a pretty good job being Jonathan Kent's chief of staff she figured she could do the same thing for Martha and Clark.

She made sure the Talon had been cleaned up from the party, that all flower deliveries and neighbors dropping off food had been noted so that thank you cards could be sent. She wrote an official press release, fielded calls from the major networks and accepted condolence calls from every sitting Senator and quite a few Congressmen.

That morning had been the toughest so far. She accompanied Mrs. Kent and Clark to the funeral home to pick out a casket and make the funeral arrangements. Staying in the background she watched how careful Clark was with his mother, getting her anything she needed, holding doors and enveloping her in a hug when she broke down. After that, Lois quickly walked up to the person helping them, took the paperwork and said they would be in touch.

Martha had gone straight to her bedroom when they returned home and Lois watched silently as Clark had headed for the barn without saying a word to her. And then the phone rang, again and Lois didn't have another spare moment and that was ok with her.

She had heated a casserole a thoughtful neighbor had dropped off even though she knew none of them would taste it. Lois left a tray with Martha and then took a plate out to Clark. He was sitting on his couch, staring blankly. He barely blinked when she came up next to him and said immediately that he wasn't hungry. She had nodded understandingly and had started to talk to him but he had cut her off and had told her 'Not now.' in a voice she had never heard before and for once she listened to him. He told her he was going out for a while, to Lana's she had assumed, and Lois merely nodded before heading back to the house. On her way past him though he had surprised her by reaching out quickly to grab her hand and giving it a tight squeeze. Lois was startled by his action but recovered quickly and gave him a squeeze back before pulling her hand from him and laying it briefly on his head. She would have sworn he had leaned into her slightly.

Back at the house she was met with a table full of thank you cards that needed to be written and resigned herself to the task. About an hour later she heard Clark's truck start up and the crunch of gravel under tires as he pulled out of the drive.

And that was where she found herself now. The kitchen was clean, Shelby was fed and every possible thing she could think to do was taken care of. The funeral was tomorrow afternoon. With that thought her eyes immediately began to fill with tears and she knew she had to get out of there. Two steps out the door and she was chilled. A front was coming through, they were even calling for snow tomorrow. Lois remembered that the Kent's usually kept a few extra jackets hanging by the door and stuck her hand back in to grab one.

The material was rough and worn beneath her fingers and when she pulled it out into the dim light of the porch she gasped out loud, recognizing Jonathan Kent's barn jacket. Fumbling with the heavy mass she made to shove it back inside when she caught a faint smell that was entirely him. It smelled of soap and hay and horses and maybe a bit of gasoline but it was him. She closed her eyes as her knees buckled slightly and before she could stop herself she slipped it on and wrapped the voluminous folds around her.

Lois knew she had no right. She knew she couldn't explain herself to Mrs. Kent or Clark if they were to find her right now but she didn't care. She needed this.

She stepped off the porch, tears pooling even more, and headed away from the house. She couldn't do it there. The sky was clear and the moonlight more than enough to make her way by. Lois headed towards the nearest field, carefully climbing over the fence and then just walked. She didn't quite know where she was going, her thoughts were a jumble and every time she was about to break down she forced herself to stop. 'Not yet.' she would think 'Not yet.'

She didn't see it at first, not until moonlight made it glint softly in the dark, but then it happened again and out of the shadows rose the familiar shape of Mr. Kent's tractor. Her breath caught as she remembered not a week and a half ago when he had come in from the field muttering to himself as he had walked into the kitchen, bussing Martha on the cheek as he made his way by her to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. The tractor had broken down again and with his campaign schedule there was no way he'd get it fixed before the election. Lois recalled making a quip about scheduling the Senate recess around the harvesting. Mr. Kent had smiled but laid a fatherly hand on her shoulder and told her in a serious voice that he would always be a farmer.

That memory did it for her. She couldn't hold back any longer and stumbled desperately for the tractor, needing its solid support under her before she fell apart completely. She missed on her first attempt to climb into the seat and banged her shin harshly but the pain didn't register. With eyes so blurred with tears she could barely see she finally made it into the seat and then lost it. She sobbed harder than she had in what seemed like forever, clutching the folds of the coat and pulling them around her as tight as she could.

She knew no one could hear her out here. The house was a speck in the distance behind her and with Martha asleep and Clark gone for the night she felt secure in knowing that no one would hear her break. So break she did. Cursing and screaming and demanding that someone tell her why this man should be taken. Sam Lane may have been her father, but Jonathan Kent had been her dad.

She didn't know when she had come to that conclusion. It had happened gradually as the Kent's showed her how a real family worked. It happened over the nightly dinners which often dissolved into sometimes heated political debates. It happened in the evening when Lois and Mr. Kent would sit at the dining room table and hash out speeches and schedules and campaign venues. It happened when she and Clark would get back late and the eyebrow would lift and she realized she actually felt accountable to someone. She remembered one night so vividly she could still see the heat waves coming off the roof of the silo. Mr. Kent had asked her to call Clark in from the barn and without thinking she walked into the barn and then started to call up 'Dad wants you to come in for dinner' she caught herself in time and through in a 'Your'. But that night had shook her. It wasn't just a slip of the tongue, she really did see him as 'Dad'.

But no one knew that. Sure they knew the Kent's meant something to her but no one really knew how much. How they had replaced the parents she had never had on a daily basis. Thats why she couldn't break down before. She couldn't do that to them. They didn't need to worry about her. She'd have her moment, shake herself off and then go back to doing what she could to help. But right now, she would allow herself this.

Lois had been crying so hard she never heard the slam of Clark's truck door or the crunch of frozen ground under his feet as he approached her. She wasn't even sure she heard him at first when he said her name. She was bent over the steering wheel, head hidden on her outstretched arms and then suddenly there was a warm hand on hers and then a hiss 'Lois you're frozen.' he said quietly before gathering her up in his arms and turning back to the house.

She was ashamed he had found her but at that point she was too exhausted to care. Her head was hurting again and she had never felt so emotionally wiped out before. Normally she'd be slapping his shoulder, demanding to be put down but she just didn't have it in her to care right then. So she she let the tears continue to come and pressed her face tight into him as he walked steadily on.

The rocking motion must have lulled her into a slight doze but the light from the porch made her eyes snap open along with the shift as he made to reach out and open the door.

'No.' she whispered 'Don't go inside yet.'

'Ok' he replied softly and then sat on the bench at the end of the porch with her still in his arms.

She wasn't sure how long they sat like that. Neither of them moving or saying a thing until she finally broke the silence.

"I'm sorry." she said so quietly he wouldn't have heard her if it wasn't for his super hearing "I'm so so so sorry." and then dissolved once again.

"Me too." he said and she felt a few hot tears of his own fall against her temple as he leaned his head over hers.

She reached her hand out and brushed his cheek gently before allowing it to rest gently on his jaw line. Never would she have expected it when he turned his head slightly and pressed a quick kiss into her palm. She gasped as a jolt of electricity went straight through her. He pulled her in closer and her hand went around the back of his broad shoulders as best it could and returned the hug.

She stroked the hair at the nape of his neck and then realized he was shaking with silent sobs. Thinking back she couldn't remember seeing him break down either. She assumed he had when it had first happened but then again, knowing Clark he had probably been too busy trying to save his father and then taking care of his mother. He needed this as much as she did.

She murmured quiet words of comfort and continued to stroke his head. Then he was grasping at her, fingers scrabbling around her waist as her pulled her in even tighter and buried his head into her shoulder. "Oh god, Smallville, I am so sorry." she said and wrapped both her arms around his neck, pulling him in tight to her.

Eventually his sobs quieted but they didn't move. Her fingers in his hair was hypnotic for both of them. Slowly his head came up and they made eye contact for the first time. She gave him a broken smile and brought her hands around to cup his face, smoothing dark locks off his forehead and wiped the last remnants of his tears away. She was still sitting on his lap, but neither of them seemed to notice.

"Thank you" he said in a gravely voice

"You don't have to thank me. I haven't done that much." she protested, not feeling like she should be the one accepting a thank you from anyone right then.

"You've done everything." he said, voice stronger. "You took care of Mom and you took care of me and you've taken on everything else that needed to be done. You've done more than you should have."

"No I didn't..."

"Stop." he said forcefully, cutting her off before she could say anymore. "You have. No one else took it upon themselves to do what you've done. I can't thank you enough."

"I had to. It's what you do for...for family." she said haltingly, glancing down, embarrassed that her secret may be out.

"Hey." he said, tipping her chin back up "He loved you like a daughter. I know he did."

Her eyes filled again and it took her a couple of attempts before she could speak "I loved him too." she said and then dropped her head to his chest so he couldn't see the flush on her cheeks.

He pressed soft kisses to her head and brushed a fall of hair behind her ear. She tensed for a second and then allowed herself to relax. This may not exactly be appropriate considering he was in a relationship right then, but it felt right and she wasn't going to be the one to deny him solace in whatever form he managed to find it.

"Come on, let's get you inside. It's getting colder." he said as he stood before she could get up and headed into the warm house.

He made to go to the stairs but she stopped him. "Can we just sit for a little bit?"

Without responding he took them to the couch and sat down. Lois slid off his lap and curled up next to him, head on his shoulder, hand resting on his chest. He stretched out his long legs and wrapped an arm around her, his other hand covering hers.

They sat in silence, the only two people in the world who knew what it was like to lose Jonathan Kent- the dad.

Sleep overtook them and that was the scene that Martha Kent walked into a few hours later. She paused on the stairs and saw her son and the young woman she considered a daughter wrapped around each other. Her throat caught when she realized Lois still wore Jonathan's coat but then a broken smile crossed her face. She knew they had managed to get through Lois's tough exterior. She had leaned on her more than she should have the last two days but Lois had taken it on with such competence she was grateful for the help.

Martha shook her head sadly, she should have known that Jonathan's death would have affected Lois greatly, but she had been too dulled by her own grief to notice. She was glad that Lois seemed to have finally let herself acknowledge the loss and hoped that Clark had as well.

She had seen them draw closer and closer to each other since the day they met. With a mother's intuition she had watched and waited, knowing the time would come where they would both realize exactly what was happening. Lois was the only one who saw him for who he really was, and she didn't need to know about his true identity to do so.

Martha recalled a late night conversation with her husband where they had been talking about Clark's on again off again relationship with Lana. "Do you see them making it?" Jonathan had asked. "No." she had answered quickly, surprising both of them "Lana is who he needs to be with now, to get the fantasy out of his system. But she won't be the one he needs in the future. She's not strong enough for him and what's ahead of him. Lois will be." Jonathan had scoffed at first but then got quiet "Lois huh." he said, contemplating the suggestion. "I trust your judgement my dear, but don't be surprised if they don't kill each other in the process."

Shaking the ghost of her husband from her mind she focused again on the two in front of her and continued down the last few stairs. Pausing behind the couch she softly placed a hand on each of their heads, smiling as Clark startled slightly and pulled Lois a bit closer to him. Stroking Lois's hair she leaned down and whispered "Thank you for loving my son." A trace of a smile came over Clark's face and she wondered for a moment if he was actually awake but as his face relaxed again she knew he was not.

Martha made her way into the kitchen, determined to face this day with as much dignity and composure as possible and took great comfort in the knowledge that her son would have someone by his side no matter what he faced.


End file.
